He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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