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so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Randomize
