I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
