She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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