Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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