Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
