Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
