After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
