The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
