I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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