I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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