I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize