2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
there is glitter all over my balls
where are my eyebrows?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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