saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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