He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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