I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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