peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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