Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
