I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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