What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My day in three words: secret purse cake
40s are totally the cure
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
