I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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