you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
