I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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