I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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