two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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