I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
