someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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