One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
