She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
