I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
