My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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