I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
