This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
