Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
