i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
sex in a hospital.. check
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
