dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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