tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
