Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
