Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
