So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
