Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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