Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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