Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am naked and annoyed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
