We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
