how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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