Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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