Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
