Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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