I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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