Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
