You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
