You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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