How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
