hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize