I will die if light touches me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
