i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
