You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
