I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize