When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
